Be Ruth
When I was at my most depressed, I received little to nothing of what others said or did to try and help me. I just couldn’t see anything positive. Looking back, I realize that even though I didn’t think so at the time, having people just not give up on me even when I had given up made all the difference. No matter what I said or did, they always took me back and forgave me.
Like Naomi, I had turned bitter and had given up. Fortunately, they, like Ruth did for Naomi, refused to abandon me and played a large role in my bitterness turning to joy.
Listen
The best counselors and friends were the ones who simply listened but maintained boundaries in that they refused to climb into the pit with me. They were able to maintain mental and physical health in their own lives and not let me pull them in the pit. So, I saw them as stable people who accepted me where I was as well as examples of where I wanted to be.
Love
While some did suggest I “just be happy,” most people allowed me to be however I was going to be, not really accepting the behavior but loving me regardless. When they saw any positive, whether fleeting or a genuine step toward change, they latched on to that for as long as the wave existed even when they knew it would fade. This went a long way in helping me make small, gradual changes that over time added up to make a huge difference.
Accept
Those who did not try to force me to change were the ones I wanted to be around. I know most of them were praying for me, but they did not try and insist I change. They accepted me for who I was at the time. When I did reject them, which I did often since intimacy of any sort was thin at best and impossible at worse most of the time, they did not take it personally. They knew, somehow, it wasn’t meant personally. They gave me the space I needed, even letting me be miserable, and were always available when I came out of the darkest recesses of the pit for a while.
While you may feel helpless when someone you love is depressed, remember that they are likely feeling helpless to do anything about their depression. Just being steady for that person is the best way you can help them.
cycleguy
I think there are several key points to remember. Sometimes just being there is important. Most often no words need to be said. Just being there. Second, no cliches. I can't stand that and I can only imagine how those suffering from depression hate them.
My recent post Abuse
Kari Scare
Steady & consistent. Those help a ton when a person can't even control his/her own feelings. I don't like clichés in writing or speaking no matter what, but they're especially frustrating when meant as motivation for someone struggling mentally. Good points!
blessingcounterdeb
Oh Kari, You're right! Just listen and love consistently. Being reminded of all you should be thankful for and happy about, although true, does not help. I remember a member of our church shaking her finger at me and say, "Shame on you." You don't want to be around those people. Thanks for running this series again!!
My recent post 12 Steps to a Balanced Life – Part 2
Kari Scare
It\’s really about how you live your life And not about what you say that makes the most difference. A related tip is to only give advice when asked, never unsolicited. I\’ve learned that the hard way.
Mark Allman
I agree with you Deb. Sometimes we hide behind "it's true" as a reason it's ok to say something. Just because something is true does not mean it will help by pointing it out to someone who is struggling. I think at times it insults them. We do need to constantly be there with our love and acceptance.
Kari Scare
Something I've said many times is "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should," and I think that fits well here. Just because a you can say something – and may be speaking truth – doesn't mean you should say it. If it's not to the benefit of the person and not encouraging, then don't say it. Unfortunately, what may seem logically beneficial is thrown out the window where depression is concerned. Depression quite often is not logical. And you're right… consistent love and acceptance of the person truly is key, Mary.
Mark Allman
Whose Mary??? LOL
Kari Scare
Oops! That would be a typo. Sorry about that 🙂
jason1scott
I read this before and it's a great reminder again. Consistently loving, supporting, and praying without giving up. Some battles are won in the endurance. If we truly love people as He loves, we have to stick with them. Not entering the pit, as you said, but offering a different voice and encouragement. Thanks Kari.
My recent post Busy? I’ll Make This Short
Kari Scare
You said a terrific quote here that I may just have to steal for the book I'm writing on this topic: "Some battles are won in the endurance." That is definitely true of depression; I know that for sure after struggling with it for over 30 years now. Do I have your permission to steal this statement?
jason1scott
I would be honored to contribute in a small way. 🙂 Thanks Kari.
My recent post Busy? I’ll Make This Short
tc Avey
My husband said he felt helpless while I was grieving my dad. It took months, but I finally came out of the fog. During it all my husband stood by me. He would listen if I wanted to talk, or just sit by me if I wanted to be silent.
His presents helped me during that trying time.
Kari Scare
Amazing what simple presence does when you\’re struggling with depression or really anything for that matter.
danonleadership
I've not worked with a lot of people with depression but believe reminding them you are there for them and are willing to support them is key. It allows them to know they can come to you for help. Great post!
Kari Scare
Yes, it is key, Dan. Accepted & not alone. Thanks!
Dan Black
Those are so key!